Today, I'm going to evict my roommate.
I mean, it's not that he's a terrible guy, exactly. He makes me toast every morning, which is nice, and he's never objected to any of the people I've dragged to our apartment. He's usually a rather quiet fellow, and when he's got something interesting to say he waits until the right moment. But, well...we've had an argument.
It was sort of about the toast, actually. It didn't come out right the other morning, too lightly done, and I explained this to my roommate as nicely as I could. He seemed apologetic, and gave it another try, but this time the bread came out burnt to a crisp.
Well, I told him he'd just have to do it again, with fresh bread. He did it, of course, but this time it was accompanied by interminable groaning. As if making toast were so much work! He doesn't even have a job! And to further annoy me, the toast came out burnt again! Ridiculous!
I informed him that he obviously had no idea what he was doing as I shoved another piece of bread at him. He became...very irritated. Irate, you might say. Not only did he burn my toast for the third time that morning, but when I went to take it from him, he burned my hand! Said it was an accident, or suggested it, anyway, but I didn't trust him. I told him I could make my own toast, thank you, and was about to do just that—when he shocked me! An electrical shock, I mean, not like he started stripping in the middle of the kitchen with the window open.
Well, I said, if he was so offended by my making my own toast, then he had better do it right this time. But to no avail; he burned it again. Throwing the bread in the trash, I noticed that it needed emptying, so I took it out back. When I returned, what should I find but my roommate smoking in the kitchen! That was the last straw, I felt, and I got a bit carried away in my anger—I admit I punched him.
Since then he has been sullen, sulky, refusing to toast anything at all and producing terrible groans when I ask anything of him. This morning I took him to a specialist, who told me there was nothing to be done.
It seems I'm going to have to buy a new toaster.
